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< Jokes & Funny Stuff ~ THE SPOOF NEWS...believe everything you read |
| Passion Vine House |
 Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 5:52 pm |
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THE SPOOF NEWS...believe everything you read
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It is said you should not believe all you read. In this thread you should believe absolutely nothing. Got a good spoof news story or heard a good rumor lately? Why not post it here and we will all pretend to believe it.
I believe the correct spelling in the UK is 'rumour'....honest, no spoof. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 5:54 pm |
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HANNAH MONTANA TO GO INTO REHAB
It seems the father of Hannah Montana has his head firmly screwed on. Billy Ray Cyrus announced this morning that his daughter Miley, who plays the Disney character Hannah Montana will go into rehab next week for a short stay. After completing rehab she will immediately be taken to the Los Angeles County Jail where she will serve a six week term.
Mr Cyrus was quick to point out that his daughter is a wonderful person who has never broken the law or abused drugs of any kind. Indeed the 14 year old is a wonderful role model for all children. However, Mr Cyrus would like to get the consequences of her rebellous stage out of the way before fame and fortune kicks in.
A Disney spokesperson said she thought this was a fantastic idea and regretted that they did not have this plan in place for all of their previous child stars.
Miss Montana insists she will not put her hoohaa on public display before her 16th birthday. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 5:56 pm |
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TED KENNEDY'S HEAD IS STILL GROWING AT AN ALARMING RATE.
BOSTON - Senator Edward Kennedy underwent surgery Friday at Massachusetts General Hospital. The operation, performed by Dr. Richard Cambria, the hospital's chief of vascular surgery, was completed without complications, and the Massachusetts Democrat was expected to be released in several days, his Washington office said in a statement.
Kennedy, 75, needed the hour long procedure because his head is still growing and his neck can no longer support it. Dr Cambria said Kennedy hurt his neck in a car crash in Chappaquiddick in the late 60's and this injury prompted his head to start growing at an accelerated rate. The assembled media gasped loudly and took two steps backwards when the doctor showed pictures of Kennedy's head.
Dr Cambria went on to explain that he built what in layman terms could be called scaffolding on Kennedy's shoulders. The stainless steel structure should give adequate support to his head for a few years.
The Senator from Massachusetts is said to be in high spirits at the moment and is spending his down time testing new neck braces that will camouflage the scaffolding. Mr Kennedy is thought to favor the nifty white version which covered his *ss, so to speak, in 1969. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:01 pm |
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SPOOF OF THE YEAR AWARD
The Norwegian Nobel Committee has won the prestigious 'SPOOF OF THE YEAR' award. The committee members are on their backs laughing at how they conned the World into thinking they would give the Peace Prize to Al Gore.
The only clue the committee gave that the announcement was a spoof came when they let the great American comedian Tim Conway make the announcement. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:02 pm |
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MAJOR EBAY ACQUISITION ANNOUNCED
San Jose, California.
In one of the largest and most lucrative transactions in the world of mergers and acquisitions eBay Inc(EBAY) announced today that it has completed the deal to buy China. Details of the merger are scarce but according to an eBay analyst, China will receive one eBay share for every one million Chinese citizens. If this is true it could have far reaching consequences for the Chinese people. One thing for sure, China will certainly now put a stop their plan to control the population by executing old people at birth.
It is also understood that in owning China eBay now owns Wal-Mart. In a very brief statement eBay CEO Meg Whitman said she plans for PayPal to be the only method of payment customers of Wal-Mart can use from Jan 1st next year. An estacic Whitman said she is incredibly happy with the deal as she always wanted to own a small country.
Jim Cramer of Mad Money has moved EBAY into the 'strong buy' group of stocks saying he would not be a bit surprised to see it's price go to $600. The only downside to the merger seems to be the closing of Alibaba.com the China-based business to business marketplace site and Taobao.com, a consumer to consumer auction website.
Chinese authorities are closing the Mai Ping Brothel in Beijing, but that has nothing to do with the merger. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:04 pm |
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CHINA EXECUTES NUMBER 24
China has bowed to pressure from Wal-Mart and executed number 24. The unprecedented action taken by the Chinese authorities has brought down world wide condemnation on the communist state.
G. W. Bush, President of the United States of America and Leader of the Free World, said "This is just awful and I'll have more to say when my speech writers get here".
Nicolas Sarkozy, President of the French Republic and Leader of the Free World(European version)in a written statement to the UN said France would not stand by while China committed such atrocities.
Meanwhile Benedict 16, Pope and Leader of the Free World(Catholic version), spoke with a trembling voice in broken English. "Scheise man, why did they kill the poor bastard? Was he Jewish?"
The Secretary General of the UN, Ban Ki moon has called for an emergency meeting of the General Assembly in an attempt to prevent further bloodshed. It is thought that China will not attend the meeting and appears to be standing firm on it's decree '....any checker who passes an item that has to be recalled later is subject to execution'. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:06 pm |
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GARRY KASPAROV HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS
Russian Grandmaster and former World Chess Champion and all round nice guy, Garry Kasparov has tested positive for steroids. Kasparov,(Russian spelling: ?´??? ??´????? ?????´???)has been doing some serious training since he challenged Vladimir Putin to a chess duel for the Premiership of Russia.
Kasparov, age 55, retired from chess in 2005 in order to establish a brand new country named The Other Russia. It is understood he planned to unite the two countries if he had won the upcoming chess match.
FIDE(pronouced fee-day), The World Chess Federation, said it did not recognise Putin. A knowledgeable person pointed to Putin saying he was the one on the left, you know, the one who never smiles because his teeth are so bad. FIDE then replied, "Oh, yeah, right, O.K. Now we recognise him".
Garry Kasparov denies ever knowingly using steroids. Illytch Balcovitch, Mr Kasparov's agent, said the only foreign substance used by the Grandmaster was baby oil once a week at the local chicken ranch. He added, "This may well be a smear campaign perpetrated by the KGB to keep Putin in power".
Hollywood director Oliver Stone, who is in Moscow making a movie, was quoted as saying he does'nt see a conspiracy. Mr Stone attributes his very large head to his brilliant intelligence but he had nothing at all to say about Kasparov.
Should Kasparov be found guilty of using steroids he may be required to return his medals and put The Other Russia back where he found it. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:07 pm |
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WHO GETS THE MEDALS?
Marion Jones has given up the five medals she won at the Sydney Olympics, days after admitting she used performance-enhancing drugs. What happens next is up to the International Olympic Committee.
The standings normally would be readjusted, with the second-place finisher moving up to gold, third to silver and fourth to bronze. Unfortunately it is at this point where the water becomes muddy.
There are a number of people claiming the Bronze medal and it is very difficult to see who has the most right to it. To quote Peter Uberroth, Olympic guru, "Nobody ever remembers who finished second and now we are supposed to find the fourth place finisher? Give us a break for chrissakes".
However, there is one person with a genuinely good claim, namely, MOSES. The record clearly states beyond a shadow of doubt that Moses came fourth.
According to his press agent Moses is very excited. "It's like I've been wandering around in the wilderness forever", he is quoted as saying. It should be remembered that Moses did throw a hissy-fit when he first saw the gold so he may have known before any of us that something dodgy was afoot. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:09 pm |
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WHAT YOUR APPENDIX IS FOR
Two US scientists and their Irish collaborator have been awarded the Nobel Prize for medicine for their groundbreaking work in discovering what the appendix is for.
After a lifetime of research the three friends have established that the appendix produces carrot chunks and stores them until a person vomits. Professor John O'Brien noticed at an early age that when he threw up after a feed of beer there were chunks of carrot present even though he had not eaten carrots for months previous to the binge. This led to a lifetime of studying vomit on sidewalks outside pubs all over Europe.
O'Brien discovered that on the occasions where no carrot chunks were present the vomit had been emitted by a person who had their appendix removed as a child.
Regardless of the other contents of the vomit carrot chunks were always present when the donor was still in possession of his or her appendix.
In its citation, the Nobel Committee praised the three scientists findings. They further stated that there would be copious quantities of warm beer at the presentation ceremony but no carrot sticks. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:10 pm |
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FIDEL CASTRO IS DEAD
Fidel Castro is dead. Sorry, did I say dead? I meant to say 'in bed'. Yeah, that's right, Fidel Castro is in bed.
So begins one of the funniest books I have ever read.* O.K. I have'nt read it all yet, just the first chapter, but man is it turning out funny or what.
It begins with his desire to play baseball with the New York Yankees and sets the scene for his lifelong hatred of the Topps Trading Card Company. It seems Topps were reluctant to issue a Rookie Card for the wannabe slugger. If only Topps had produced that Rookie Card Batista might still be in power.
The author goes into great detail when it comes to the subject of Castro's Will. Fidel has decreed he wants to be stuffed and mounted...after he is dead. The dictator wants to be remembered and venerated just like Joe Stalin and Trigger. Taxidermists from all over Latin America are gathering in Havana for the event. Thousands of Cubans have taken hand saws to what little furniture they have in an effort to produce the finest sawdust. I think Fidel Castro is going to be larger than life in death.
I have'nt gotten to the part where Castro talks about his hatred of cigars but when I do I'll let you in on the laughs.
* 'Fidel Castro looks Left and Right before Crossing Over.' by Jose Cabrera Sosa. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:11 pm |
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SNOOP DOGG ATTACKS MICHAEL VICK
Police in Atlanta are calling it a brutal and savage attack the likes of which has not been seen in that city for days. Police have charged Snoop Dogg, real name Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr. with felony first degree assault on the person of Michael Vick. They have also charged a coffee perculator at the local Wal-Mart but that is a different story.
It is claimed that Snoop Dogg travelled from Los Angeles to Atlanta with members of the Dogg Pound via Greyhound bus for the sole purpose of inflicting pain on the person of Michael Vick.
Vick suffered severe cuts and bruises and numerous broken bones but unfortunately he is expected to make a full recovery.
Atlanta State Attorney David E.Longford in a statement apologised to Snoop Dogg for searching his shit without a warrant. He further stated that the police will be returning certain items to Mr Dogg confiscated during the said illegal search. Those items include a large quantity of blow and a mother of pearl handled uzi signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I asked Mr Dogg if he was responsible for the attack and if he would honor us with a statement. All he was willing to say was, "Yo!Yo! Fo' shizzle I kicked da bizzle outta da nizzle".*
* Translation. "Yes Sir. I hurt the African American man". |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:12 pm |
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SPEEDING TICKET FOR JEFF GORDON
Kansas City rookie cop Jose Molina thought he had been given a defective radar gun last Sunday. The car he pointed the device at registered an astonishing 183 miles per hour. Officer Molina tapped the machine a few times and was about to give up on it as a lost cause when lo and behold the same multi colored car came around the corner again, obviously coming back to taunt him.
Officer Molina wasted no time stepping out on the street and signalling to the driver to pull over. It is not often a driver complies with a police officer's request in this part of the world but this time the car came to a screaming halt about a quarter of a mile down the road.
"Not only was the driver breaking every rule of the road he was not able to produce a drivers license or proof of insurace either", Officer Molina is quoted as saying. He continued, "the driver gave his name as Mr Jeff Gordon and he was initially very abusive and seemed to be under the impression that he owned the road". When Mr. Gordon admitted to racing Officer Molina mirandised him and advised him to keep his mouth shut as exhibition driving is a very serious crime in Kansas.
It appears Mr Jeff Gordon has left Kansas but faces instant arrest upon his return to that State. Meanwhile, Jose Molina has been appointed assistant to the Chief with special responsibility for road safety. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:14 pm |
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BIN LADEN BIN PARTYING..LOOSES LEFT ARM
We cannot confirm that Osama Bin Laden was in a drunken stupor when he fell asleep on a Pakistani hillside last month, however, we have absolute proof that when he was awakened next morning by his mistress his left arm was missing from the elbow down.
His followers began an immediate search of the surrounding area while Osama sat in a state of shock, uttering the words 'sonofabitch' over and over again. His guards were baffled by the apparent breach in the impenetrable wall of security they had placed around their leader.
At the edge of a large outcrop of rock they noticed a fairly large snake. Their first instinct was to shoot the snake but their interest in the reptile peaked when it suddenly began to be violently ill. Imagine their shock and horror as the snake regurgitated its last meal, Osama Bin Laden's left arm. By the time it had finished throwing up there was a small bundle of bones on the ground, not an ounce of flesh on any of them.
According to Dr Manuman Singh Singh of the Mumbay College for Reptiles, "Snakes have absolute power over the peristaltic muscles that moves the food along and can reverse it at will. This they will do if the meal stops digesting properly".
Bin Laden was last seen being carried into the Pakistani wilderness uttering 'Sweet Mary, mother of Moses, what have I done to deserve this'?
In a related story, Joe Torre the Yankees Head Coach, has dispatched his scouts to Pakistan on hearing a left arm may be available. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:15 pm |
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HILLARY CLINTON HAS SEX CHANGE
Speculation surrounding the disappearance of Hillary Clinton from the Presidential campaign trail is at a fevor pitch. The Senator from New York has not been seen in California for almost a month and many other States report that it has been even longer since she made an appearance in their States.
Finally, the truth can be told. Hillary Clinton has had a sex change. The opperation was performed at the acclaimed Theodore Roosevelt Sex Clinic in Havana, Cuba. The precedure, technically known as the 'Addadicktome', was carried out by a crack team of surgeons under the guideance of Dr.Jose Miguel Estrada.
Dr Estrada read a short statement afterwards which simply stated that he could neither confirm or deny that any such procedure took place at the clinic. When challenged he did admit that Ms Clinton did arrive at the clinic on Sep 21st and went on to say that Mr Clinton is now resting comfortably.
Speculation as to the identity of the donor immediately began to surface. The most likely candidate is thought to be John Edwards as it is well known that he has no balls.
A phone call to the Cinton Campaign HQ threw no light on the subject. A spokesperson simply stated "Clinton plans to be back on the campaign trail and sticking it to her opponents within a few days". |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:17 pm |
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MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD'S SUIT ON EBAY
I have in my possession a suit belonging to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I will be putting this suit up for auction on eBay soon but I wish to give my friends on Pheebay first refusal at this very important piece of political memorabilia.
Provenance:-
I personally met Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at the YMCA where he is staying while in New York. Manny, as he asked me to call him, traded his wrinkled blue suit with me for an old pair of Levi's jeans. I have a witness to this transaction, my friend Nigel was with me when the deal went down. Indeed, Manny gave my friend 200 Iranian Rials for Vol 1 of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
The Suit:-
Size 36. I know, he appears bigger on TV. The label states 'Made in China of 100% polyester. Somewhat threadbare and very wrinkled.
Please feel free to make me an offer here at Pheebay. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:29 pm |
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OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL FOR EDDIE THE EAGLE
Eddie the Eagle Edwards thought the International Olympic Committee(IOC) were taking the piste when he was informed that he was to be awarded the Gold Medal for his efforts in the 1988 Calgary Games. The IOC are evaluating previous performances in view of the Marion Jones debacle and have decided that Eddie 'The Eagle' may well be the only honest competitor in Olympic history.
The IOC have further decided that Edwards' longest jump of 73.5 inches will now be the new World Record for the 70m event. Unfortunately Edwards travelled a negative distance when he fell off the edge of the ski slope in the 90m jump so he cannot be given the medal in that event.
The Olympic Committee have also rescinded the Eddie the Eagle Rule and in all future Olympic events competitors must be half blind, 80lbs overweight and have a paralyzing fear of heights.
The IOC is also considering awarding a medal posthumously to Eric the Eel who drowned during the 100m freestyle event in the Sydney Summer Olympics. |
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Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 3:57 pm |
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INTERNET WILL BE DOWN ON OCT 17th
I have been informed that the internet will be down on Oct 17th between 4 and 6pm PST for maintenance.
If your computer is connected to the internet make sure you back up all your files on the 16th. |
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Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 6:26 pm |
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EBAY to Quit Auctions.
San Jose, Calif.
Online auctioneer eBay Inc.(EBAY) in a press release this morning has announced that it is to phase out it's auction business.
Beginning on January 1st 2008 eBay will no longer carry items for auction but will put $2 billion into upgrades for it's stores format. "Although Store owners will have to pay alot more for the right to own a store, sellers should see a far higher sell through rate", according to Mr John Donaghue, Chief of eBay Marketplace.
It is thought that one of the main reasons why eBay is getting out of the auction business is because of their inability to catch Vladuz. The hacker has been on the site recently closing peoples accounts and the final 'straw' came when he caused CEO Meg Whitman to be No Longer a Registered User.
Although eBay have spent millions trying to catch Vladuz they have totally failed. According to a reliable source the eBay board of Directors were in favor of paying megabucks to the Scottish Grandmother who effortlessly found Vladuz. It seems the Directors were willing to pay off the hacker but Ms. Whitman decided it was time to call it a day.
eBay also found themselves dying of boredom at the lack of competition after all these years. They have purposely taken numerous steps over the last four years to help increase competition (like over charging on fees, messing with search, throwing powersellers off the site, allowing countless knockoffs, the list is endless.)
Dispite eBay's numerious and best efforts to increase competition in the market, and as bad as they tried to be, eBay's Online Auction competition is so bad that even eBay came to the realization they could not compete and thus decided it was time to finally pull the plug. |
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Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 8:10 pm |
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Powersellers Unite Anti-Bullying Hotline.
It has taken long months of planning, hour after hour of programming by volunteers and large chunks of change from generous donors for office furniture. We have finally arrived at a stage where we can open the doors of the Powersellers Unite Anti-Bullying Hotline.
Yes, we even have our own dedicated server, honest, no kidding.
The Hotline will be available 24/7 to all members of Powersellers Unite who are being bullied.
Have you been beaten up for expressing your opinion?
Have you announced the opening of your brand new auction site only to be accosted for not providing your Sell Through Rate for the months prior to you opening said site?
Have you been told to take it elsewhere because you have visions of being successful?
Does the 'in' crowd make you feel unwanted?
If you answered YES to any of the above questions then you should call the PU Anti-Bullying Hotline now. Don't walk away from PU feeling beat down and angry.
Your opinions really do count. We can help you fight back against the small handful who know everything and have the answer to every question under the sun.
Call the Hotline now and we will import your pain and make it ours. |
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 1:16 am |
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DEHYDRATED WATER GIVES UP IT'S SECRETS
A forensic scientist studying the DNA of water in the English University of Cambridge has made some startling findings that may cause us to think twice before ever drinking tap water again.
Dr Jonathen Ffrench from Ffife, Scotland, has spent the last twentyfive years studying water. He explains his work in straightforward terms.
"Chemically, DNA is a long polymer of simple units called nucleotides, with a backbone made of sugars and phosphate groups joined by ester bonds". He continued, "What I had to do was isolate the phosphate groups within the compounds of the water sample". There were mamy failures and years of despair until finally Dr. Ffrench was able to isolate the amino acids in a quark of water. He had his amino acids and the next logical step was to seperate the ribosomes from the spliceosomes.
It was when the Scottish scientist was looking at the dehydrated spliceosomes in the petri dish in his lab that he had the sudden burst of inspiration that more or less guarantees him a visit from the Nobel Committee next year.
By breaking down the eukaryotes of the spliceosomes he could now identify five unique DNAs within the molecule of tap water he began with.
Dr. Ffrench contacted Interpol on the off chance that one of those DNA strands might match a DNA sample in their huge catalog. Astonishingly, they found five identical matches with prisoners serving sentences in jails throughout Italy.
Dr. Ffrench's findings, which are to be published in the lancet next month, prove concluseively that tap water in the Cambridge area was indeed passed by at least five Roman soldiers. |
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Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 9:47 pm |
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HILLARY CLINTON TO RUN FOR POPE
Hillary Rodham Clinton, the junior United States Senator from New York, and a candidate for the Democratic nomination in the 2008 presidential election, has announced that if she is not elected President she will run for Pope.
Clinton was speaking Sunday to a packed congregation in the First African Methodist Episcopal Church. There was a shocked response from the members of the famous black church in the Crenshaw District of Los Angeles. Trying desperately to backpedal Clinton said she thought all poor people were Catholic, especially those type of people who were in that church.
It was further pointed out to Mrs. Clinton that she is not Catholic and she would have to be a Catholic in order to be Pope. The Senator, known for her cutting retorts, simply said, "That never stopped Ratzinger so why should it stop me".
Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton announced today that he is immediately leaving for a year long tour of the Bahamas. |
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Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:10 pm |
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President appoints new Secretary
One day after being sworn in as the 44th President of the United States President Mitt Romney hit the ground running just as he promised. Wasting no time in appointing his new Cabinet the President has named former eBay CEO Margaret Whitman to the post of Secretary of the Treasury.
This position in the Federal Government of the United States is analogous to the finance ministers of other nations.
Speaking from the rose garden a beaming President heaped praise on his new Cabinet Member. He said Ms Whitman was a financial genius who had developed the online auction site eBay into the e-commerce behemoth that it is today. He went on to note that Secretary Whitman's experience with eBay would prove invaluable as she takes her seat on the United States National Security Council. Asked if he was worried about Whitman passing the confirmation hearings the President said he has been assured by his new Secretary that she was not aware at the time that the Clintons were leaving office they listed the entire contents of the White House on eBay. It should be noted that Ms Whitman returned the ash tray she bought from the seller BillnHill at that time.
In a brief statement Secretary Whitman said she looked forward to returning the United States to profitability. In a surprise move she announced that people now wanting to go on the White House tour would have to pay a small fee at the front door and a larger fee as they exited the building. |
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Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 5:11 pm |
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New Member
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lol you are really cracking me up, i think i nearly fell of my chair one time  |
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Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 8:11 pm |
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Those were very funny, thank you! You sounded so much like The Onion, I had to go looking... and there the article was, at SpoofNews by Passion Vine House. Awesome creativity!
I just have one question... Did you return Octavia's Crystal Ball after writing about Ebay giving up auctions? |
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Most of what I have said about the online marketplace is available at powersellersunite |
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| Passion Vine House |
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Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 10:42 pm |
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THE SPOOF NEWS...believe everything you read
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Admin
Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 4024
Location: Los Angeles
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| I never returned the Crystal Ball. I tried to foretell when I was going to be sued. Fox News reported that I had put Hannah Montana into rehab and that scared me so much that I went back to religion...for a short while....Oh God, please don't let Billy Ray sue me. |
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